Ours is a troubled time, what with the economic collapse, needless wars, and a serous lack of Warner Bros’ studio stores. Here we are in another stupid decade and nothing has changed. Oh sure, our internet is fast now, and cell phones are pretty cool, but the cold hand of nostalgia strangles the life out of me more and more each day. Oh, how I harken back to the halcyon days of yore in our country where a man, or prolly a woman (being as that men didn’t shop for groceries), could go into a store and buy a soft drink adorned with cartoon hillbillies.

Pepsi Co. heard the cry for a simpler time and answered with ‘throwback’ Mountain Dew. As you no doubt already noticed, the can looks pretty much the way it did back in the, well, whatever decade it was invented in.  It sure is breathtaking. Sure, I could have gone without the nagging reminder right there on the can: this beverage is for a limited time. But, beggars can’t be choosers.

The packaging isn’t the only thing that’s different about this ‘throwback’, soda, heavens no. Pepsi turned back the clock and used actual REAL SUGAR in this soft drink. Huh, I wasn’t aware they weren’t using real sugar now, but, it’s still a nice sentiment on their part. The taste? Pretty good. I can appreciate a good yellow soda, and this is one. Honestly, it could taste like cough syrup and circus peanuts, just so there is a hillbilly on the can. The south will rise again, dudes!

From what I understand, this liquid gold is fairly hard to come by.  So if you see them in your local grocery store in your jerkwater town, you better stockpile them and buy all that you can, ‘cos they are going  faster than the decay of our once proud culture. Once Armageddon hits (any day now), the one with the most ‘throwback’ Mountain Dew will rule the tattered country.  Those of us left will have to flee to the mountains and live like hillbillies, and I, for one, cannot wait.

Since the conception of the zoetrope, man has been interested in animation cartoons. Since that time, there have been a lot of cartoons, and a lot of snacks  that have been adorned with the images of beloved cartoon characters. Case in point:The Flintstones, modern stone age family. Long past are the days when the only Flintstones themed food you could find at your local grocers was cocoa pebbles, and, in some markets,fruity.  The Flintstones brand went on to dominate the children chewable vitamins market and went on to monopolize orange sherbet in a tube. Fast forward to now: I walk into the grocery store, pretty much ready to buy any cartoon related snack food, and often am met with resistance from the man (I.E. Kroger).

Where Kroger drops the ball, the Chevron on 10th and Spring St. picked up the ball, and uh, dribbled it to the field goal?  Anyway, whilst on business in town, my wife found these “Flintstone Chews” and purchased them, knowing my proclivity to candy graced with the images of classic circa 1957 to 1982 Hanna Barbera characters. She is also aware of the fact that I have braces, and should not eat this kind of candy, but I digress.

(bland, and blurry packaging)

Strangely, there is no year or date anywhere on this rather generic bag, in fact, at first glance, I wasn’t sure if this was an officially sanctioned Flintstones product, or rather, some shoddy product without the ghost of Joe Barbera’s and William Hanna’s former fart-catcher’s approval. I didn’t see any circle c’s or little tms anywhere on the blando outer packaging.In fact, King Henry got top billing. I opened the dang ol’ package and was ecstatic to learn, this is the real thing. I thought it was classy to go with the 4 color printing process, as well as the bold visual choice to limit the pallet. The font choice was excellent and hand done, well at least on the word “chew”.

I was a little puzzled, perhaps a bit confused that the character’s on the label(Fred, Dino and Pebbles) were at random and didn’t coincide with the flavor. I feel as though the stone age schtick should been down to the flavor, but the flavors are in fact, not listed at all.  The flavors, from what I gather are pineapple or banana, uh, blue, and I think that there was an orange one in there- Maybe green too. Truth be told I ate them a few days ago. I guess the kissing cousin of this candy would be Laffy Taffy. I dunno, maybe, it’s kissing third cousin would be Starburst, particularly the not very good Starburst flavors.

The golden days of television cartoons may be sadly behind us, forgotten and buried in a shallow grave with our grandparents, but the characters still entertain generations today, with somewhat decent candy.

Hey, gang! Guess who’s seeking out retail therapy by buying crap shaped like cartoon characters? That’s right, el-me-o, as my Spaniard friends might say.

This time, I found myself shoplifting at Publix. I was picking up some 100 dollar eye drops and had some time to kill. That’s right, 100 dollar eye drops. No joke here, folks. Hey Obama! Weren’t you supposed to get me free eye drops? Thanks for nothing, pal! I’ll take what’s mine now, thank you. Anyway, I had some time to kill when I heard this salt and pepper set calling my name from a seasonal end cap. It was love at first sight, err, sound, err-something.

As I mentioned before, I like Snoopy enough.  I mean, I love dogs n’ junk - and I like the way Snoopy dances and believes in capital punishment. All and all, though, I am desensitized to all merchandise featuring Snoopy. I mean, like, they make Snoopy breast pumps for fucks sake, but I digress. It seems to me that the higher life forms of the strip have been sorely merchandised in the last two decades. So when I see anything Charlie Brown, I stand up and take notice.

Admittedly, another salt and pepper shaker isn’t really much of a necessity in my household. I already got a Trader Vic’s  tiki dude set as well as a Donald Duck and the esteemed Professor Ludwig Von Drake to dispense salt n’ pepper on me eggs, but come on! Did I mention it’s Charlie Brown and Lucy Van Pelt?  Oh, please merciful father in hell, please stop me before I start collecting Salt & Pepper shakers!

(Stop me from collecting this crap.)

Oh yeah, I am supposed to be reviewing these stupid things. That way I can write it off on my taxes as a business expense.  The sculpts are good, yet not particularly inspired.  I would have preferred a more dispirited expression on Chuck or a homicidal grin on Lucy’s mug. What can you do, though? Not buy them? HA! Oh, you.

Another head-scratcher is why Lucy is the salt shaker and Ol’ Chuck is the pepper, as dictated by the holes in the top? I mean,think about it. Lucy has black hair. Black hair = black pepper. Doyee! Say, why do salt shakers have more holes than pepper shakers? I guess that’s like asking why does rain fall from the sky? Some things man was never meant to know.

Hello everybody, or as the Indians say “Maize.” Welcome to another exiting blog entry on stuff that I didn’t make. Yup, stuff YOU actually care about. This time, I paid a visit to my neighborhood Target store to pick up some ball medicine and Necco Wafers at 50%off - but that’s when destiny stepped in: I noticed the dollar bins were full of all sortsa cool, stupid crap.

(Smurfs Bags and generic figure)

Smurf tote bag and Smurf figure brought to us by the fine folks of Innovated Design and Jakks Pacific, respectfully.

As any one who has the displeasure of actually knowing me in real life will attest to, I have a semi-lob on for all things Franco-Belgian, especially the Smurfs. In fact, I never shut the hell up about the subversive political farce known as King Smurf. I yammer on and on about  how it is one of my favorite comics of all time, so on and so forth.  Anyway, this isn’t a review of that book, it’s a review of these Smurf bags, and it’s barely a review at that.  Measuring in at only 12 inches, these bags aren’t very useful. Too small to carry groceries in (not that a grown man should carry a Smurf bag to the grocers) and too large for drug contraband. In fact, I can’t think of a good goddamned thing to do with them except look at them, and they do look pretty neat.

(NOT the Smurf that I bought. Can’t get this one for a dollar.)

I spent the better part of 1981 to 1982 asking myself, “Would Smurf figures be a lot better of they were articulated?” The answer: eh, not really. You can spin this generic Smurf’s arms in circles but that’s pretty much it. Why, pray tell, did I buy the plain, untainted Smurf, you ask? Quite simply, I already had the others. Well worth a claim, though.

Mickey & Donald white board and Walt Disney Vintage Story Books by Creative Edge.

Donald Duck Tropic fruit snack mix by National Raisin.

I’ll start with the white board, why not?  I often need a whiteboard to write notes to myself such as “pay your bills” or” start acting like a grown man.” Why not write it on a holographic surface with a couple of vintage comic panels thrown in for good measure? Yup, I couldn’t think of a reason not to either, so I picked up this beaut for a buck. The only thing about this that bums me out is the fact it says “Friends, Mickey & Donald” in the top right corner (not pictured). It’s one thing to insult my intelligence by spelling out who’s on this whiteboard, but “friends”? Really?  I hate my friends, and I don’t need to be reminded of this every time the mood strikes to draw a pony princess on a white board.

I haven’t read the books, as they are a little beyond my reading level, but holy cow!  Lookit at the beautiful art in Bambi! Oh, that’s right, I was too lazy to scan the art. Take my word for it, this lit is fab.  “Barn Dance” is particularly fun, and reminds me why the world fell in love with that rodent in the first place. Say, what a minute, why isn’t Goofy in the “Clock Cleaner” book? I seem to remember Goofy in cartoon that this book has crudely adapted. Aw well. I got no time for this.

Okay, so I cheated a bit on the fruit snacks. I found these puppies in the plumbing section of Target, also 50% off.  I don’t quite remember the exact price, but one thing you never forget is the joy of seeing Al Taliaferro’s classic Donald Duck strip on a “tropical mix”  fruit snack. The snacks themselves? They’re okay, I guess. The apricots, papayas and pineapples are color coordinated with the box which is cool, but fruit is still fruit and fruit is boresville. I only like candy and stew.

That’s the end of that, kids! Join me next time when I review foundation garments picked up at my local Goodwill!

*BONUS SECTION*

Peanuts Figures Vampire Charlie Brown and Masked Snoopy by Forever Fun.
Check it, bros- CVS is blowing out these bad boys out at half price!

Charles “Sparky” Schultz was often criticized by peers and foes alike for going “too commercial” and marketing the ever-lovin’ shit out of the Peanuts, thus compromising the soul of the strip and the characters themselves. I say, pish posh to them! I like stuff. I like Peanuts stuff. The more Peanuts stuff that I can get the better. That’s what I always say. We’ve have Snoopy dressed as every conceivable thing ever made, but ol’ blockhead himself dressed as a creature of the night was particularly high on my bucket list.  I just might die a happy man.

Last week I had a meeting in lovely Marietta, a once-affluent suburb north of Atlanta that is now a land of half abandoned strip malls. Yup, a perfect breeding ground for comic shops. One of these comic shops,  ultra-clean and well organized The Great Escape, had the pleasure of having yours truly drop in for a cameo appearance and spend 42 of my hard-earned greenbacks on some funny books.

So sit back, pour yourself a drink and smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.This are those: er, I mean these are them-

Batman And Robin 4 & 5 by Grant Morrison, Philip Tan and some other hacks. DC is to blame.

Hey, wasn’t Frank Quietly supposed to be drawing this? I was shanghaied! I was hoodwinked! I bought these silly billy comic books under false pretense. One of which is that comic books are fun.

I found out about this series from Dean Trippe. In fact, he did me a solid and actually bought me the first issue at Heroes Con back in June telling me how great of a ride this here book was gonna be. I dug it and bought the following issue then kinda forgot about it until the fateful day that I ventured out of the cave I live in to come to this comic shop in Marietta.

So, like, Batman (Bruce Wayne) died or some crap, and Dick Grayson ( Former Robin and Bay City Roller) picks up the cowl and dresses in Bat-drag. What?  Who’s the titular Robin then?  It’s none other than Batman’s illegitimate son with Ra-Al’s Ghoul’s underage daughter. This is where things get trippy. Batman is light heated and zany and his crime fighting chum, Robin is dark and brooding. Sounds fun, right? WRONG.

I won’t bore you with the plot, after all, it’s almost as muddy as the eye assaulting art. Almost. This is what you need to know. Robin 2 (Jason Todd, who was dead, now better.) is brutally killing criminals with some chick in an ugly mask and some bad dude who eats peoples faces. Really. A bad guy that eats faces. In Batman. Of course no comic is complete without showing dead scantly clad babes too, as is so tastefully done in this comic.

(Can you even tell what’s going on here? Storytelling at it’s finest.)

So, it’s come to this. A character made for children, if you are honest, deals with a villain that eats faces.  Shit in your own sandbox, Grant Morrison. If you wanna tell a tale of nihilism and murdered women, make up your own retarded characters. Leave Bats out of it.

Brutal bloodbaths (one of which, Penguin was there for- THE PENGUIN!) heighten the patent absurdity of a costumed crime fighter. Thanks for reminding me why super hero comics are dead.

Strange Tales 1&2 by Various artist and writers published by Marvel Comics.

Now this is more like it! Strange Tales is a totally bonkers book where the good folks at Marvel(snicker) allowed their cash cows, I mean characters, to be drawn and “re-imagined” by some of indie comix brightest stars such as Paul Pope (Inhumans) Johnny Ryan (Punisher) and my personal fave, Pete Bagge (Hulk) in a three issue anthology. Admittedly, the quality of these stories is all over the place, but the artists I mentioned really knocked ‘em out of the park. “Scared Smart”, for example, is the greatest Punisher story I ever read Well, it’s the only Punisher funny I have ever read, not to take it away from Johnny, ‘cos it’s good, dudes.

I have often wondered why they don’t allow these guys to work on the regular monthly series but, after the comic convention this weekend, I now know why. Mainstream comic fans won’t even stink in the direction of “cartoony” books.

Speaking of cartoons:

Mickey Mouse And Friends 296 by Ambrosio & Pastroviccho and some other grease balls. Published by Boom!Kids.

It’s pretty funny how Marvel fans got all wigged out Di$ney buying out Marvel. After all, Disney isn’t as conservative as Marvel when it comes to trying new fresh approaches to their stable of beloved characters.  Case in point: this comic.

Mickey Mouse  is a wizard apprentice in the quaint village of Miceland (Miceland is named this despite the fact the only mouse around is the nominal character.)  Mickey meets up with such Di$ney mainstays as Donald Duck & Goofy.  Mickey has come to the great tournament to get his revenge on Peg Leg Pete, who has stolen the  magic Crystal from him. Then things happen and stuff. Okay, maybe it doesn’t sound so interesting, but dig the art! Those wacky Europeans sure can draw a cartoon book (and appreciate one!)

(for the love of CARTOONS! Now THAT’S Clear and concise storytelling. Take THAT Phil Tan! )

The Simpsons’ Treehouse Of Horror 15 by a buncha pretentious nitwits

*Guest edited by Sammy Harkham, the award-winning creator of the popular Kramers Ergot anthology, this year’s issue is jam-packed with some of the most idiosyncratic (and weirdest) takes on The Simpsons universe ever.

*So the press release goes.

I don’t know how to say this, but this comic is pretty much terrible. The art is all over the place. Sometimes it’s so “on-model” that it isn’t fun, and sometimes characters look and feel so different than their Springfield counter parts that I feel physically ill. Jeffrey Brown musta modeled his Simpsons on that live action Mexican clip you see everywhere and someone described the Simpsons over the phone to Will Sweeny.

(Jeffrey Brown’s take on The Simpsons.)

I know, I know. I complain about something being too “on model” and too “off-model” in the same fuggin’ review, and I suck. However, it  ain’t  the art makes this book a drag, it’s tone. Halloween version or not,  this book doesn’t capture the essence of The Simpsons what so ever. Stick t’ your own, fellas. Or not, see what I care.

Looks like I won’t be asked to be in Kramers Ergot anytime soon.

The Muppet show Comic Book: Meet The Muppets  by Roger Langridge published by Boom!

Roger Langridge can do no wrong.

So, that’s everything that I bought. Feel free to comment on how my reviews suck.

Remember a time when clowns were considered fall-on-the-floor hilarious entertainment and clowning was revered by the world at large?  Yeah, I don’t either, but my man Mike Hoffman sure does as evidenced by Slappo, Humpo, and Floppo waxing nostalgic about a time less cynical and polluted by video games and Family Guy.

“Fears Of The Clown” (ha!) kicks off as we see our heroes ignominiously bomb at a nearly-empty circus (sadly all-too common). During the aforementioned poignant conversation, our clown posse discovers the grease paint isn’t coming off and their rubber noses having feeling. Things start to get really trippy once they find that they are now the only inhabitants in this jerkwater town and the only clowns left of earth.

Oh, and this is the point at which a giant calliope comes down from the heavens and sends our chums to alternate dimensions.

Are you getting all this? I’m with you, Mike. I love comics like this. Something bonkers is happening every couple of pages. The dialogue is great and is written with a distinct voice and dialect.  Puns, too, of which I’m a big fan. The art is swell. The characters are rubbery, and the logic is bouncy. This is the kinda book I might expect to find from the 80’s B&W boom.  It could be a Charleston comic from an alternate universe (minus the color). Admittedly, I’d really like to see this book in color. I understand that in this day and age, and given the fact that mongoloids run everything, print is expensive -especially in color.  So, I’ll let this pass. It’s funny, and who needs color to laugh?

Behind the scenes peek: Apparently, “real” clowns took offense to this funnybook. I guess clowns can’t take a joke?  Most clowns just do birthday parties and hold arrow signs in front of new condominiums, and they have the high moral standards that these activities dictate.  Okay, clowns shouldn’t smoke in comics. If clowns are worried about kids seeing this image, rest assured that inside a comic book would be the last place a child would look.

“Can’t blame the kids, Floppo, we lost them. We lost them for good.”
You said it, Slappo!

Heroes Con is a mere three days away. I better start packin’! Before I do though, I thought I’d share a most excellent review of Rashy Rabbit’s latest adventure, “Redskin Rashy” by my pal Shannon Smith at File Under Other.

(click on the page above to see that, I am in fact, a genius.)

Thanks Shannon, without your support, I woulda long given up on this racket, I’m sure.

So, who’s gonna be in Charlotte this weekend?

You and you?

…Not him?

Well then, let’s kick it at HEROES CONVENTION!

I’ll be with more talented artist in Indie Island, with my latest comic Redskin Rashy and the New Avatards! book in tow. (brought to you by Wide Awake Press.)

So, if you wanna hang out, drink overpriced beer behind a folding table, then let’s do this up right.

Don’t let the name fool you. Yes, super heroes are well represented at this convention sure, but as Shannon pointed out in his blog, there will be plenty for the rest of us hipster snobs that wouldn’t touch  cape with a ten-foot pole.

Thanks again, Shannon, and I’m sorry you won’t be there this year.

So, uh come by and say “HI!”and I’ll give you something neat*.

See ya in a few, true believers!

* Our ideas of neat may vary.

Hey gang!

My pal Shannon Smith just posted a really nice review of all my Rashy Rabbit comics thus far!

Needless to say, I’m really flattered.

click here to read Rashy Rabbit review

Dear Diary,

How are you? I am fine.

Actually, I’m more than just fine. I ‘m doing great. For you see, The Comic Book Haters didn’t hate Rashy Rabbit 4! In fact, they LOVED your pal Rashy and your other pal ME!
Anyway, check ya soon-

CBH Indie Video Spotlight #1: Rashy Rabbit #4 from The Comic Book Haters on Vimeo.

Josh