In Honor of Keith And The Girl’s NEW relationship book,What Do We Do Know? I am doing five free avatards with proof of purchase. Noarmjames is a good sport.

Without a doubt, this is the most grim view of humanity ever captured on the funnies page. This comic speaks directly to my neurosis. On that note, I start therapy really soon.

Valentine’s Day is before us, less we forget that women like stupid things such as flowers and love.

This day may come and go, but the conversation hearts I ate will remain in my intestines forever.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

What’d everybody get for Christmas this year?

I got a used book of Mad-Libs.

A toy pair of binoculars from a Happy Meal featuring a character from “Avatar”.

and a white tube sock! (also used.)

Merry after-Christmas!

From your friends at Lattaland, have a wonderful Non-Denominational Winter Holiday.

Since the conception of the zoetrope, man has been interested in animation cartoons. Since that time, there have been a lot of cartoons, and a lot of snacks  that have been adorned with the images of beloved cartoon characters. Case in point:The Flintstones, modern stone age family. Long past are the days when the only Flintstones themed food you could find at your local grocers was cocoa pebbles, and, in some markets,fruity.  The Flintstones brand went on to dominate the children chewable vitamins market and went on to monopolize orange sherbet in a tube. Fast forward to now: I walk into the grocery store, pretty much ready to buy any cartoon related snack food, and often am met with resistance from the man (I.E. Kroger).

Where Kroger drops the ball, the Chevron on 10th and Spring St. picked up the ball, and uh, dribbled it to the field goal?  Anyway, whilst on business in town, my wife found these “Flintstone Chews” and purchased them, knowing my proclivity to candy graced with the images of classic circa 1957 to 1982 Hanna Barbera characters. She is also aware of the fact that I have braces, and should not eat this kind of candy, but I digress.

(bland, and blurry packaging)

Strangely, there is no year or date anywhere on this rather generic bag, in fact, at first glance, I wasn’t sure if this was an officially sanctioned Flintstones product, or rather, some shoddy product without the ghost of Joe Barbera’s and William Hanna’s former fart-catcher’s approval. I didn’t see any circle c’s or little tms anywhere on the blando outer packaging.In fact, King Henry got top billing. I opened the dang ol’ package and was ecstatic to learn, this is the real thing. I thought it was classy to go with the 4 color printing process, as well as the bold visual choice to limit the pallet. The font choice was excellent and hand done, well at least on the word “chew”.

I was a little puzzled, perhaps a bit confused that the character’s on the label(Fred, Dino and Pebbles) were at random and didn’t coincide with the flavor. I feel as though the stone age schtick should been down to the flavor, but the flavors are in fact, not listed at all.  The flavors, from what I gather are pineapple or banana, uh, blue, and I think that there was an orange one in there- Maybe green too. Truth be told I ate them a few days ago. I guess the kissing cousin of this candy would be Laffy Taffy. I dunno, maybe, it’s kissing third cousin would be Starburst, particularly the not very good Starburst flavors.

The golden days of television cartoons may be sadly behind us, forgotten and buried in a shallow grave with our grandparents, but the characters still entertain generations today, with somewhat decent candy.

Y’know, I can still remember the day when my brother got up and changed the channel from the public broadcasting pre school block to a UHF channel showing classic theatrical cartoons from the golden age of animation. Obviously, once that creaky door into adulthood was opened there was no going back. Sesame Street now felt, well, tame next to the anarchic glee of the Warner Bros and MGM cartoons. Even a six year old can see the quality difference between animated toy commercials masquerading as entertainment compared to the loving craftsmanship shown in Disney features. Mr.Rogers seemed milquetoast compared to, well, pretty much anything, but there was no going back for me.

It saddens me to no end that children of today, as if they had hope before, can’t turn on the ol’ boob tube and see Popeye n’ friends. It makes me reel in horror that children don’t have foghorn leghorn shorts as a parable that yes, it’s a dog eat dog world out there, and the most clever one that survives. It’s sad that we can’t project our own suburban anxieties on Donald Duck as he puffs his pipe and reads the paper, only to be disturbed by an external foe when all he really wants, is to enjoy his post war comforts in peace. He was a WW II vet, for Christ sake, doesn’t he deserve it?

Adulthood seemed more tangible, but cartoons themselves with a mystery wrapped in a puzzle. How DID they make these things? They are drawings, but how did they move? How’d they talk? How come they are so funny?
I asked my Mom these questions for which she answered” I dunno.”

Eh, at least the kids today have internet.

Dear Client(s),

This is why your project(s) is late.

Hey, gang! Guess who’s seeking out retail therapy by buying crap shaped like cartoon characters? That’s right, el-me-o, as my Spaniard friends might say.

This time, I found myself shoplifting at Publix. I was picking up some 100 dollar eye drops and had some time to kill. That’s right, 100 dollar eye drops. No joke here, folks. Hey Obama! Weren’t you supposed to get me free eye drops? Thanks for nothing, pal! I’ll take what’s mine now, thank you. Anyway, I had some time to kill when I heard this salt and pepper set calling my name from a seasonal end cap. It was love at first sight, err, sound, err-something.

As I mentioned before, I like Snoopy enough.  I mean, I love dogs n’ junk - and I like the way Snoopy dances and believes in capital punishment. All and all, though, I am desensitized to all merchandise featuring Snoopy. I mean, like, they make Snoopy breast pumps for fucks sake, but I digress. It seems to me that the higher life forms of the strip have been sorely merchandised in the last two decades. So when I see anything Charlie Brown, I stand up and take notice.

Admittedly, another salt and pepper shaker isn’t really much of a necessity in my household. I already got a Trader Vic’s  tiki dude set as well as a Donald Duck and the esteemed Professor Ludwig Von Drake to dispense salt n’ pepper on me eggs, but come on! Did I mention it’s Charlie Brown and Lucy Van Pelt?  Oh, please merciful father in hell, please stop me before I start collecting Salt & Pepper shakers!

(Stop me from collecting this crap.)

Oh yeah, I am supposed to be reviewing these stupid things. That way I can write it off on my taxes as a business expense.  The sculpts are good, yet not particularly inspired.  I would have preferred a more dispirited expression on Chuck or a homicidal grin on Lucy’s mug. What can you do, though? Not buy them? HA! Oh, you.

Another head-scratcher is why Lucy is the salt shaker and Ol’ Chuck is the pepper, as dictated by the holes in the top? I mean,think about it. Lucy has black hair. Black hair = black pepper. Doyee! Say, why do salt shakers have more holes than pepper shakers? I guess that’s like asking why does rain fall from the sky? Some things man was never meant to know.

I betcha didn’t know that I have been slumming it up making cameos in other comics did you? Well, I have been and I am not proud. Let’s have a look:

Fine young eager upstart, Meghan Ansbach cast me in the role I was born to play: A crack dealer.

As you can see, I had to lose weight for that role. Thanks Meghan! Go see that and other pistol whipping shenanigans at assembled.net.

My next role was a bit more personal. In fact, the next comic is my life. My Canadian brother and all around Renaissance man, Keith Mcnally drew my tweets in this NSFW funny.

Sweet papa, I am a funny dude! Funny and tragically depressed. Go see it & other shitty comics at keithcourage.com for all their full uncensored  uncut glory.

As always, I love the lot of you.