Hey, everybody. I’m here to kick ass and chew esoteric character bubble gum logo t-shirts. Wait. I don’t want do either of those things. I remember kicking a kid in the shins once, and I felt bad that whole weekend. Boy, that nostalgia is one hell of an axe wound that always needs filling. You know, with monsters, cartoons, and all that crazy crap. Yeah, that’s the kind of stuff I’m talking about. Y’see,I seem to only have gusto for shit any normal fuckin’ human being grew out of before they learned how to pick up a bic razor. Sure, I get it. Wearing this kinda childish crap is likely contributing to the fact that I’ve never been promoted. I mean, I know a man of my age should be driving his own car, have a mistress and possibly some social status, but my crippling Peter Pan syndrome keeps all at bay. Well for now, at least. Thankfully my friends at Glorp Gum Co.® have met my emotionally crippled desire to dress like a giant toddler all week long. In fact, that’s what I did. I wore nothing but Glorp shirt every day for a week solid and chewed gum to see if I can relive my sentimental attachment to the hottest and smelliest part of the year and you won’t believe what happened. I’ll tell you all about it because I don’t have anything better to do.
I guess there’s no better place to start then Monday, as it often falls at the beginning of the week. This Monday was no exception even in my brand-new and controversial “Fuckin’ Mondays” T-shirt. I don’t know if it’s the swear, suicide or sentiment that’s gettin’ me all the stink-eye, but one thing is for sure, if I wear it to work again, I’ll be seeking new employment as a bathhouse attendant. Still, I love this baby blue fuck you to another manic Monday.
Man, I’m still punch-drunk from wearing a shirt with a swear on it. I need a carbonated water.
I decided to reel it in a bit the following day, Tuesday for those keeping track with the adorable
‘Please give me a home‘ monkey t-shirt. When I was a kid we had these things called ‘spider monkey’s’ and you could supposedly order them from the pages of a thing called a comic book. Yeah man. You heard me right. You could order a goddamned monkey. Unfortunately it was probably a scam and the monkey wouldn’t wear a beanie. Anyway, you’re the third person I told this to, the first person was deaf and the second didn’t seem to care.
Look, I’m middle age & I am not gonna live to be 100. I’m reminded daily of the lack of time I have, and the time I do have is not a guarantee. Am I really gonna spend my Wednesday telling people I don’t know what my shirt says? The answer. Yes. People told me they liked it. Really, what’s not to like? The light grey really matches my hair…or what’s left of it. SOB!
According to the ancient Aztecan calendar Thursday is the day we wear our classic Glorp Gum Glorp logo shirt. You know, the stinkin’ stupid t-shirt with the classic Glorp logo you’ve worn and loved for all these years? Yup, THAT shirt. Well, I don’t know about you, but I don’t wanna anger Huitzilopochtli, god of will and the sun. He is one fickle bastard. Good thing this blue shirt is so cool.
Anyway, Thursday, I don’t care about you. It’s Friday I’m in love (with this Glorp shirt!) Now that I think about it, I did kinda save the best for last. Feast your three rows of three eyes on this one. Man, I love this shirt. It kinda looks like something Big Daddy Roth would design if he was reanimated, cranked up 420% and needed to make something for Joseph Smith to wear at a plural marriage ceremony. You know what I mean? It’s just that fuckin’ radical, dudes.I am gonna rape this day like the 69-year old edgelord that I am, that is to say, if I only had a place to go. I suppose I could go to work, but do you think those squares are gonna get my shirt? Besides, I’m really thinking of blowing up the place.*
*Website or website hosts may not be liable for anything this idiot does. -Editor
So yeah, man. That’s pretty much it. I wore Glorp shirts and pretty much nothing happened. I didn’t lose weight, I didn’t quit or start smoking and I certainly didn’t bring anyone any joy. The gum that the shirts come free with kinda hurts my teeth. The shirts don’t make me look fat. I guess that’s of note. OH! I forgot. I was invited to an orgy. I didn’t go, because I didn’t wanna take off my new shirt and it was my dentist who invited me, but there was that. Did I mention that gum really hurts my teeth? Regardless of the boring outcomes, I really, really like Glorp shirts and will most likely throw out all my non-Glorp clothes even the pants, because that’s just the type of guy I am…kooky.
Glorp on, everyone! Glorp on, one n’ all!
*editor note: I am not sure if these are all still in stock. This was a year ago.